Maybe it's a continued thought of last blog on being homeless and hopeless, or maybe it's an off-shoot going somewhere else entirely. I know at least part of this goes to the homeless section of my blog. That is the circular trap I'm in at the present moment. No job = no place to stay = no feelings of stability. I feel stuck in this, possibly due to the fact my rheumatoid arthritis causes me to wear down even more and sleeping on bus stop benches probably isn't conducive to a goodnight's rest either.
A person who is homeless well three of them rather, attempted to jump me and take my money and backpack. I simply said, boy did you three idiots go after the wrong person, a guy with no future, no job, no place to stay. In essence, nothing to lose. They walked away and left me to my thoughts, dark and gloom-filled as they were.
Let me set the record straight, I'm not suicidal or anything, but lack a purpose or reason to go on living. So if I were to die, it would be ok. This makes me a bad person, sometimes the most deadly to mess with, for a person with nothing to lose will do whatever it takes or cost to beat the other person. And they will go after their enemy with a ferocity that cannot be rivaled.
That being said, I am struggling with idea of God watching over me and protecting me and just allowing me to suffer on the street. So, I vacillate between belief in God and a pure belief in myself and that I'm the only person who is going to look after me. Equally, probably will cut off communications with the rest of the family for good. Just seems like nothing good will ultimately come of my staying a part of the family. In process of deciding if moving away, getting new SS number and DL would help me disappear for good as far as family is concerned.
I think I'm probably just rambling now, but have learned that life is hard and anyone saying different has forgot true life or never lived it.
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